Tuesday, September 07, 2010

I Feel Like A Monster

Benji has been having a wild week.

We found out he had strep last Wednesday even though he wasn't acting "sick". (Parents of kids with sensory issues know what that means, absolutely NOTHING) After figuring out what medicine he could take (allergic to red dye) we got him settled and on the mend. It wasn't until Friday that he acted like there was something wrong. Friday morning he was mopey and just wanted to lay around. His fever spiked a little too.

He is on the mend though and even got to enjoy his last game at Miracle Ball Friday night.

Saturday he was listening to his favorite CD at the time, Awake by Skillet when he looks at me and says, "I feel like a monster."  At first I thought he was asking for the song, Monster, but then I realized he wasn't. There was a complex look on his face like he was trying to figure out how to keep from doing things. He told me, "I can't stop doing things." and "My body does things without me making it do them."

I didn't really think a whole lot about it when he said it. We are used to Benji saying odd things, it's just part of who he is. But then, I re-listened to the song.

"I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster"

....

"My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?"

~ partial Lyrics to "Monster" by Skillet

I am astonished about how my son has latched on to the lyrics of the song. Sure, I can relate to some of the lyrics myself, you know on those bad days, but for my 5 year old to grasp them and relate to them, it really hits home. Especially when he is borderline autistic. Then, the autistic part is what makes me understand what he relates to. Those "motor-driven" moments when he feels like he has no control.

As an end note. Benji is feeling much better, he will be going back to school tomorrow. (today was an inservice day)
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